I know what this may look like, but USE YOUR WORDS!

I was about 6, I can't remember, but my dad got fed up with my taddling on my little brother. So he put both of us in time out. After that I knew that taddling wasn't for petty things like "Dad he walked over the line in our room and came over tomy side of the room!" (my brother and I shared a room up until I was about 7 or 8.) I used that power for things like "Dad he just tore down the rose bush! He was pretending to be a ninja turtle!" (Grounded from ninja turtles? BOO THAT! It was a boring summer. Why did I taddle!?)
Over the weekend, I learned that Corbyn's teacher was telling him that he needed to "come to her" if he had a problem with another student. So I realized this is why there has been so much taddle telling. (That and our neighbors are two girls - 7 and 10. Oh my god, they don't stop! WHINE WHINE WHINE!) Here's my problem with taddling on others. For one, What is this REALLY teaching our kids? Parents, don't you want your munchkin to be able to solve their own problems? Live a little more independantly? "Use your words" is probably the most common phrase I use. What I mean by that is talk it out with your friends. Say things like "Please share with me.", "Thank you for sharing". Are these things not common sense with the people who are teaching our children? I realize that I'm not perfect, and maybe letting my kid work the petty stuff out with his friends really isn't a good thing. But so far, it's working. The neighbors kids have never heard someone yell "USE YOUR WORDS!" before. They were completely dumbfounded. Sure I have to remind them a few times, but it's really catching on. I heard my mom, and dad use it with Corbyn the other day. I also heard my best friend uses it quite often. I'm hearing more polite things come out of my sons mouth, and the two girls next door. In fact they're quite pleasent to be around. It's a beautiful thing when you can hear your kids playing and getting along nicely, parents!
I think the real solution here is to simply be simple when teaching your kids about taddle telling, and playing nice with your friends. There's a lot of fun to be had so skip the grueling time outs, and the temper tantrums, and USE YOUR WORDS!

Signed,
Mom (The former taddle tell!)

As I was taking this photo the exact words out of his mouth were "Mom what are you even talking about?" Oh the joys!

I know what this may look like, but exactly WHY shouldn’t my son be allowed to sing at the dinner table?

My mom and dad did their best to ensure that we followed very strict rules at the dinner table. No chewing with your mouth open, no elbows on the dinner table, and you must excuse yourself from the dinner table. (I’m sure there were many more, I’m just already so bored with listing them I’m not going to bore you either.) Is anyone else but me ready to adopt some new rules for dinner table etiquette?

Just the other day Corbyn and I were enjoying a lovely fast food meal at one of our favorite quick dinner spots, Dairy Queen. (BLIZZARD! SHYEA!)  He was singing a family favorite at meal time called The Rice and Butter song. It goes a little something like this, “Rice and butter, Rice and butter, and my milk, and my milk.” (Tune to Frere Jacque, the lullaby, with the words changed up a bit.) Of course we had to be seated next to an older couple (REALLY old!) who would not stop staring at my 4 yr. old who I was allowing to sing. (Not loudly, just in a normal talking voice.) I have always enjoyed this song, and I started humming with him. Look, It wasn’t like I was allowing him to run around the place throwing French fries and screaming at old people. He was saying Please, Thank you, and yes ma’am. After the older couple was done eating, the man came over and said “You know young man, my mother would have never let me sing at the dinner table.” I responded with this “Excuse me, but I would appreciate if you allow me to mother my child. Also, I suggest maybe turning your hearing aide down if you don’t like it.” (Dumb move, I know. New to this town, and already making enemies with the older crowd! GO ME!) IT WAS DAIRY QUEEN FOR CHRISTS SAKE! I thoroughly enjoy to hear my son sing “Oh my my my food it’s so so so good in my my my belly-elly-elly” It’s his way of expressing that he’s happy about eating dinner! If that’s the case then BRING ON THE SINGING, hell up the volume a little bit even! I love the sound of a happy kid. Who doesn’t?! (Besides the obvious…*cough cough* OLD COUPLE FROM DAIRY QUEEN!)

I’m all for laying the law down with a kid, for the simple fact that I think all kids need some sort of structure. Some of these old school rules just take all of the enjoyment out of a good family dinner! Laugh, goof off, sing, have fun, but chew with your mouth closed. Fantastic rules to live by right there.

Signed,

Mom (I love old people.)

I know what this may look like, but this is OPERATION RESTORE DISCIPLINE IN THE FORD HOUSE-HOLD.

Recently Corbyn and I moved from the city he was born and raised in, to a little town where we know only one person.  It has been one of the biggest struggles to date while raising my son. I took him out of the school he had been a part of for 3 and a half years. (I owe those ladies at Lamar my life. They made parenthood enjoyable for me.)  I also moved him 45 minutes from his FAVORITE person in the world. Nana, the Corbyn spoiling grandma!  (As you can see I was literally setting myself up for failure!)

I won’t get too graphic, because after all this is the internet. (And I plan on turning this blog into a book one day.) My son doesn’t need to see in 20 years that mom spilled some embarrassing secrets about him. (That’s probably the first good decision I’ve ever made!) But we’ve been having an “Acting-out” problem in the department that makes mom have to do double time on laundry. I know he’s just 4, and that comes with age. Maybe you haven’t noticed, but my son is very, very advanced for his age. There for we’ve never had a potty training problem before. Here’s where I was at fault; I’ve been focusing too much on his little problem. I’ve been acting out myself about it. I’ve been giving him the attention he’s crying out for. I recently with in the past week have completely stopped paying attention to his accidents. Guess how many accidents we’ve had in the past 7 days? That’s right, NONE! None at school, none at nap time, and none on the weekends! (BRILLIANT!) I could not be more ecstatic! The day I decided to change roles, I started by this. “Corbyn I noticed you had an accident. Well, maybe tomorrow we can try to not have one. How does that sound?” See before, I was taking certain privileges away. For instance, His teacher would let me know he had an accident, and I’d take away his movie hour at our house while I was cooking dinner. Eventually it got to the point to where he was not getting movie hour, not getting dessert, bike, and outside time. I mean my goodness the boy did nothing all evening, and he was STILL having his accidents. Nothing was getting though to him. Mean while I’m up to my eye balls in laundry! I finally realized wait a minute, I’m doing exactly what he wants me to do! He WANTS me to be upset with him about this so that I focus all of my time on him. DUH MOM! One problem down, 100 more to go! (Oh how that reverse psychology works so well!)

Here’s one I’ve yet to conquer; back talk. I’ve never wanted to slap someone in the mouth so much before in my entire life! (As you can see he still has all of his teeth, so this tells you that I don’t actually react on this impulse.) A few things that have worked for me are,”Wow Corbyn you sure do sound mad. Would you like to talk about it?” “Corbyn do you feel mad about something? Do you think it’s nice to talk ugly back to me like that?”  “Corbyn, how about we just have a chill out time in your room and talk about what’s making you so angry with me that you need to talk ugly.”– These statements work to take his mind off of why he was mad in the first place, and express to me why he felt like he needed to talk back. I’ve been able to eliminate a few time outs this way. I also think it’s very important for Corbyn to apologize to me for the way he’s talked to me. I sometimes also apologize after he does, just so that he knows that I really do feel bad for making him feel angry with me. “Corbyn I’m also sorry that I made you feel so angry. Please forgive me.” (DING, DING, DING! WIN!) Less time outs = Less back talking. He is still having trouble with his anger towards me telling him “I’m sorry Corbyn but that’s not a good idea.” Or “Corbyn, please do not do that.” So his back talk is worse when he doesn’t get his way, but from what I’ve witnessed, most kids are this way. Now this I know is just his age. I’m sure it can be very confusing for him. All of these new emotions he gets to express! Very overwhelming for a 4 and a half year old. I have noticed that talking to him about why he’s mad is solving most of the confusion for him. (Key word here is MOST…Not ALL!)

Fellow parents, I encourage you to not give up. Do not give in to the easy way of parenting. Just remember, you are the parent! It’s such a struggle, but if parenting were easy I’m sure it’d be called something different.  Maybe “drinking a glass of wine with a slice of chocolate cake.” Or “I allow my kid to do whatever the hell he/she wants to do.”  Or “Nap” – I’m sure you catch my drift. The point here is has our move to a completely different town made my life a living hell thus far? ABSOLUTLY! But I refuse for my son to grow up disrespectful and unaware of hurting other peoples feeling, I refuse to allow him to live in unhealthy situations, and I refuse to allow parenthood to get the best of me. (I encourage you to have a good cry! Instant relief!) You are fighting a WINNING battle if you allow yourself to recognize what’s really blocking your way of winning the battle in the first place. (It’s all about trial and error.)

Signed,

Mom (That’s Lieutenant Mom to you!)

I know what this may look like, but I'm the real potty mouth here.

My best friend and I were talking about a daycare (whose name I’d like to blast all over the internet as BIG TIME IDIOTS, but I won’t.) her daughter recently attended. The owners of the daycare used to tell my best friend that kids do not copy other kids actions. For instance, a little boy hit her daughter with a fist. Well her daughter, who had never hit with a fist before, hit this little boy back with a fist. So you’re telling me that her daughter who, keep in mind had never hit with a fist before, just out of the blue hit him back because she just all of the sudden decided to start using her fist? Not likely. Not likely at all! When she told me the owners didn’t believe in “Monkey see, monkey do” I was completely dumbfounded. How can ANYONE possibly believe that preschoolers are not influenced by others actions? And why are these morons running a godforsaken daycare? Put my 4 and a half yr. old in a room with his uncle for an hour and see if he doesn’t come out saying “They were COOOOOONES!”  every 5 minutes. (In case you’re wondering that’s a line from the movie Wedding Singer which my brother swears is the most under-rated line in a movie ever.) My point here is this;; Kids ALWAYS do what they see, always have, and always will! That’s a fact!

So my son’s teacher at school pulls me aside this past week. “Listen Elizabeth, Corbyn got into some trouble today. He said some naughty words to the kids in the toy room. See he walked in and put his hand on his hip and said “Just what in the HELLLLL are you doin’ in here?” I had to put him into time out, and tell him that there are no naughty words to be said in my class.” I know the look on my face was instant guilt. Uh oh. Damn. I’m caught. So I then admitted to Corbyn’s sweet teacher that I’m at fault. It was then that I realized that I do say that very often to Corbyn. We haven’t discussed yet that the word “Hell” is a bad word, as well as an OK word to say. She agreed with me saying “Well I figured he was just copying something you, or someone close to you guys had recently said.” (HELLO DOES ANYONE SEE THAT? SHE BELIEVES IN MOKEY SEE MONKEY DO! I knew I liked this lady for a reason.) I then told her that I would do my best to work on our foul language. (which is currently in the works. So far Corbyn is kicking my hiney in that department!) But when I had a discussion with Corbyn about it, he said it to me exactly as he said it to his friends, I could not help but laugh until I cried. (I’m human ok?!)  That is without a doubt, my clone.

I’m sure that as parents we have all come across a time we’ve heard our kids say something belligerent due to the fact they’ve heard us say it. (If you’re still not in the talking phase, just wait! All kind of stuff comes out of their mouths! It’s like a faucet!)  I think the only way for a kid to really learn is to actually have a laugh about it, and just be upfront with your kid about their language. After all, kids learn from your actions.

Signed,

Mom (The potty mouth!)

I know what this may look like, but Barnacle is just shy!

OK so I lied! Does that really make me a bad mother?! Barnacle was DOOMED in at the very least 5 minutes if I didn’t let him go. I cannot handle that kind of guilt!  (Nor could I handle driving one handed holding a Sponge Bob sand bucket filled with Gulf of Mexico water and a baby shrimp named Barnacle all the way back home.) Never mind the fact that there were a bunch of seagulls flying above just waiting for Barnacle the baby shrimp to leave my finger tips.

So now your question may be “how do you have a pet baby shrimp named Barnacle in a Sponge Bob sand bucket full of Gulf of Mexico water if there really is no baby shrimp named Barnacle in the Sponge Bob bucket?” About that, Barnacle is shy. Listen we have been through tons of pets. To name a few, an earth worm named bologna, a tomato worm named wormy (who we turned into a moth, VERY cool science project fellow parents! Also costs next to nothing.), a crawfish named salt, and a frog named pig. All of which were very cool, very easy to deal with pets. We learned how to return our pets to the wild, safely. But this baby shrimp was different, I have no idea what got into him? (Or me!) He was just so worried about the seagulls getting cute little Barnacle, that I could not break his heart. So note to self & all you parents out there – at 4 & a half they tend to want to keep their science pets when you say “Oh what a cool pet! What’s his name?!” (As you can see this whole situation is completely MY fault.)

Sometimes lying to your child is just necessary. someone once told me “telling someone the truth may set you free, but it’s beating the crap out of someone else in the mean time.” So maybe I’ll tell him the story about Barnacle when He’s 18 or something, in hopes the truth about his pet baby shrimp won’t scar him for life.

P.S.  –A proper funeral will be arranged at the house of the porcelain gods at promptly 6 p.m. today for Baby Shrimp Barnacle. This will be called "Project setting Barnacle the baby shrimp free without any seagulls in sight!"

Signed,

Mom (The big fat liar.)

Photo by Erin Shorts - Corbyn Ford 2010 Crystal Beach, Texas